WHAT ARE YOU AFRAID OF? You can conquer your fears and live free!
A year ago, Dale and I committed to hiking down to the bottom of the Grand Canyon with several of his sisters, their husbands and some friends. They needed me to drive, so although I didn’t especially want to go--don’t like heights--I knew in my heart I should go for the sake of my marriage, the family and my own personal growth.
However as the time drew closer I realized I was afraid. And then I got panic attacks. Have you ever been so obsessed by fear that you couldn’t sleep? I would be awake for hours after Ed, my brother-in-law would send us emails about the trip, the history of the Canyon, pictures and lists of what to bring. Did you know that in a four month period last year-June-Sept-10 people died hiking and sightseeing. In fact, in October 2007 I heard a four year old fell and died. How horrible is that?
Well I went and I lived to tell about it. It was actually a once in a lifetime experience, a highlight of my life where I emerged on the other side with new awarenesses, new courage, new strength. I learned some valuable lessons about fear; its impact and the risks I was willing or not to take. I had to ask myself some questions…what kind of life did I want to live? Do I want to play it safe and miss some fantastic highs? Then also deal with the lows, because it’s not if bad things will happen, it’s when. Anais Nin says, “And then the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.”
Fear is the most powerful emotion known to man, yet fear is normal. It is a natural response to danger—either real or perceived—and can be characterized by dread, apprehension or uncertainty. Without this God-given emotion, we would fail to protect ourselves in potentially life threatening situations.
What does fear look, smell or sound like to you? Do you enjoy the stomach flip flops of the roller coaster, the scary movie, worrying about that social gathering where you don’t know anyone, fear factor moments of life? Or as moms, maybe it’s that your child is not developing fast enough in a certain area, or an excessive fear on what they are doing with their friends or worrying that you are not a good enough mom. On the other hand, your fear might not be the turbulent roller coaster kind, but a low-grade anxiety that has attached itself to your very being. You constantly worry about what could happen around the corner, real and imagined. You try to control, manipulate events to manage your fear and then you feel embarrassed to feel afraid about such silly things so you berate yourself.
My mom is deathly afraid of snakes, I am too. No real reason, just a pickup of her fears.
Your stories will be different, but the feelings are the same. Did you know that your kids will transfer your attitudes about fear to their world so it’s important to understand and work on facing your fears. If you notice your child is easily frightened, take a minute and look honestly at how you face your fears.
Mark Twain says, “Courage isn’t the absence of fear, but the mastery of it.” The question is—how do we conquer fear?
Whether your heart is reeling with fear or suffering from the constant drag of anxious thoughts, what if the possibility exists that you could live freely, experiencing life fully--not consumed by the nagging thought of something bad happening--but joyfully living in the present moment.
There is hope! You can begin to master fear if you take the time to ask yourself some basic questions—it will be a process that includes persistence and discipline.
What do you really expect life to be? Do you want to live with assurance that this earth is a place where none of the scary possibilities that destroy other people will ever happen to you?
I read an amazing story of a family from Canada. These people were convinced a world war was looming and they were terrified. They decided to run away, hoping to find some corner of the planet where they would be free and clear from fighting. In the spring of 1992, they relocated to a quiet little spot known as the Falkland Islands, an obscure piece of British real estate. The family relaxed and enjoyed five days of tranquility before the Argentinians invaded their backyard and began the famous Falkland War.
Can we ever find a safe place to hide and live? Maybe not, but we can work on ways to walk with our fears and find peace in the midst of them.
The first antidote to fear that we can use is ‘God-talk’.
The Bible is filled with God promising His presence, speaking encouraging words in the midst of desperate situations, to fearful men and women. They had every right to be afraid, men such as Joshua, the warrior chosen to lead God’s people to the promised-land. Out of 12 who were selected to scope out the new territory only Joshua and Caleb came back with a positive report; the other 10 talked about giants in the land and many other problems that would prevent them from crossing over. Was he afraid? You bet. Many times, which gives a clue to how often he was afraid, God said these words to Joshua—Be not afraid, be strong and courageous, for you will be a successful leader of my people. Be bold and strong, banish fear and doubt. Remember, the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.
How about Esther, who risked her head to save the entire Jewish race, by courageously going into the King requesting a plan to trap her enemies. God’s words to her—you were born for such a time as this. You will save your people--with my help.
Scripture verses are the best fear insurance to invest in because the Bible deals with real people with emotions just like you and me. Psalm 23 says, Even though I walk through the valley of death, I will fear no evil for you are with me. Your rod and staff comfort me. The most precious promise of all is God’s presence in the midst of our fears.
David the man who had a heart after God’s, had many enemies—from Goliath, the Philistines enemies of the Israelites, to those in his own family who wanted to kill him. At one time the pressure on King David’s life became so severe that he responded by saying,
Oh that I had the wings of a dove
I would fly away and be at rest
Far from the tempest and storm. Psalm 55:6-8
Have you ever let fear talk you into running away? David wanted to do that a lot, but despite those longings, David faced his fears by taking them to God. He had to have a talk with himself again and again to find the courage to stand strong.
The second thing to learn when facing fear is ‘self talk.’
Check out Psalm 42. David’s heart is sinking-Why be discouraged and sad? But then it shifts to--Take courage my soul! Hope in God. He is my help and my strength. He told himself to remember the good things God had done for him, count the many times God had seen him through. God told the Israelites to keep memory stones and tell their children how the Lord took them through and delivered them from their enemies.
Dale, my husband is no-nonsense, an engineer, not prone to feelings, and he would give our kids his famous ‘self pep-talk.’ When they were afraid, nervous over a game, later on an important test in college, new job interview or anything hard, he would say, “When the going gets tough, the tough get going. Tell yourself, you can do it; buck up, be strong.” Well they learned to face their fears that way, but we laugh that they might need therapy, because he wasn’t sympathetic at all to their feelings. But later on they told him that as they refocused and reframed their problems, they realized they could cope with the tough situations life gave them.
Self-talk needs to be practiced; start with little fears, so your self-talk is an automatic response when the big fears come. Monitor the messages you give to yourself; ask yourself the following questions every time you notice you are worried and fearful.
What is it that really concerns me about this situation? What is the worst that could happen? Am I rational in talking to myself about what I am afraid of? Is it based on truth or an imagined fear? Lord what is this fear telling me what I believe about myself and ultimately you?
Sometimes these fear, anxiety, panic attacks-whatever form it takes in your life--can be a clue that we need to slow down and take some time to listen to our inner-soul talk. That takes discipline to push the pause button on our thought life. It cannot be done in the midst of a crowd, or in the busyness of your everyday life. It involves quietness, sitting and listening to what God is saying to you. What occurs in solitude is very important in the development of a courageous heart. David, spending days alone tending sheep ‘strengthened himself’ as recorded in I Sam 30:6
The 3rd thing I’ve found that will help me through my fears is living in the real world with eyes-open faith. If we want more than an existence where we attempt to hem in and protect ourselves and those we love, the only recourse we have is faith. The only real living is done by faith.
I’ve come to realize God’s parenting has a deeper goal than my own. As good mothers we would move heaven and earth to prevent our children from experiencing pain and fear in their lives. We have to be reminded along our journey that God is a different sort of parent. He exposes our supposed solid ground to see what we are really standing on in our lives. He wants us to be whole and wholly dependent on Him. The OT uses the metaphor of an eagle to describe the kind of parent God is:
Like an eagle that stirs up its nest,
That hovers over its young,
He spread His wings and caught them
and carries them on his wings. Deut 32:11
Think about this with me for a minute. An eagle knows the moment when the time is right to
nudge his baby bird over the side of the nest—into what feels like a panicky free fall through
thin air. Then he swoops beneath these fluttering feathers to catch his young and carries her
on his wings to safety until little by little this bird learns she has eagles wings too. She can fly!
Do you know what it’s like to have your nest stirred or to feel like some new challenge has thrown you way out of your comfort zone? “Your willingness to wrestle with your demons will cause your angels to sing. Use the pain as a fuel, as a reminder of your strength.” August Wilson The pain we might experience from our fears will direct us to the courage that will help us confront our fears honestly and grow through them.
The choice is really ours. We can hang onto our fears, insisting that until they are resolved, there is no way for us to enter into any rest, or we can see those same fears as the door by which we can live our lives far richer and sweeter than what might arise from a contrived arrangement of perfect circumstances. That rest flows out of the security of our relationship with God. It is a rest that believes that a life without all the pieces in place, full of fears and trials, is still a life to celebrate, a good gift from a good God.
You gain strength, courage and confidence by every experience in which you really stop to look fear in the face. You are able to say to yourself, “I have lived through this…I can take the next thing that comes along.” You must do the thing you think you cannot do. Eleanor Roosevelt
And that’s exactly how I finished my walk down and back up again from the Grand Canyon. One step at a time, one foot at a time placed carefully on the rough rocks, along with God’s promises in my head and talking to myself in my heart. I did it—I conquered my fears to finish the hike and a marvelous freedom from fear and sense of courage and accomplishment because of it.
During this Halloween season, I hope and pray you can first of all find some time to honestly face and work on conquering your fears. And then begin to help your children deal with fear in a healthy whole way.
I know you can do it—we will help!
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