How to Encourage Through the Empty Nest Syndrome

The house is quiet. I sit in my garden on a summer Saturday morning enjoying butterflies fluttering and flowering blooms with my dog, Jake and cat, Kobe at my feet. It’s lovely and so refreshing. But it’s quiet; in fact the quiet is making loud noises in my head.

In my mind, I see little ones running, playing, arguing. “Mom, make him stop,” echoes of the hundreds of distressing complaints calling me to intervene. Back then I envisioned enjoying idyllic scenes, with longing, such as this. If only we could know then what our hearts feel now, we wouldn’t wish away the many mundane mothering moments.

My experiences agree with author Anna Quindlen, “those of you waiting for your babies to sleep through the night will be amazed how quickly they come to sleep through the afternoon after a night out.”  And how quickly they are gone, I might add. After getting used to job, money and sleep sacrifices made for mothering, it’s frightening how fast they become obsolete. I was caught unaware of my feelings facing this new era in life.

However, somewhere along the way it has happened. As I read good books, had friendly conversations over coffee, enjoyed spontaneous dates with my husband, I have made peace with and enthusiastically enjoy my life as an empty nester. As I reflect on the journey that transformed my outlook, here are several simple steps the process took:

1. Give Grieving Time

It’s ok to feel sad, in fact downright dangerous not to realize it and deal directly with it. Addictions happen because we are not courageous enough to face what we feel. Because my youngest son went to military school, he was off to basic training one month after graduation and we were not prepared for the abruptness of it. A three sport athlete from a small town, there was always a game and with it, the social aspects of sitting in the stands with parents of teammates. It was lonely and way too quiet in our great room, where once noisy hungry guys settled in to watch the big game or the latest movie on DVD. Because Joshua had to bond with his squadron, and rightly so, once he was gone, there was no contact with him for several months. I took solace in the solitude of long walks with his dog, praying for endurance for my son and myself.  One especially lonely evening as I sat sobbing in the chair, Jake sat down beside and comforted me as if to say, ‘I miss him too.’ It takes time to slow down the racing of our hearts, listen to the empty ache, and not rush the process of what God can say to us in that space. The quiet reveals what activity hides and becomes our gift—the gateway to a trusting expectant heart.  

2. Redefine My Role

I realized, like many do at this stage, that I liked being Mom—that my identity was rooted in it. When does protecting, hovering, mothering move from being essential to being an interruption in our children’s lives?  I wanted to know and I asked my adult daughters what they did every day; because somehow if I could picture their routines, I would feel connected to them. What came as a shock was that they relished this freedom from me and when we did talk, our conversation skipped the fun details and went straight to the necessary info, or “mom, I am just busy.” It finally dawned on me as we worked through some difficult stages together that their growth sometimes precedes my own. As parents, we are never done learning and discovering our own metamorphosis from previous roles. I found contentment as I committed to learn the healthy balance between caring and letting go. It did not come easy; apologies are still given when I intervene and impede their independence.

3. Commit to Develop My Inner Life and Outside Interests

This is it—this is my time. The realization came slowly at first for me. Working full-time plus parenting three children gave me little time to do things for my inside and outside. Now I decided to stretch my boundaries and broaden my life in all areas. Needing the discipline to make personal time a priority and knowing my spiritual life was where it had to begin, I chose a women’s Bible study at my church. Along with a wonderful support system of women in all stages of life, we studied God’s Word, laughed and cried together. Once again, I learned How to encourage with my words of wisdom (form of mothering) and could help others who were in their own life crisis. It was a healing time for me as I was nurtured and nurtured others. My friends did it their own way. One ‘empty nester’ is going back to school to get her MBA. Another friend is satisfying her love of travel with a mission trip, building a house in Mexico. I began to see the joy of walking with a neighbor—whenever we wanted—and it became a necessary support for sanity. Several of us started a supper club; visiting restaurants we had always wanted to try, but never could with kids and hectic schedules.

4. Trust in the One who Knows the Outcome

Although we were not perfect parents, my husband and I worked hard at it; reading books, going to seminars, asking our own parents and experts for advice. We know children are a precious gift from God, have souls for eternity and involve specific strategic training. Sometimes it worked and sometimes with the best intentions and plans, it does not. Life happens and not in the way that we always envision. And that is ok. As author Margo Balsis shares, “I’m learning to give up my demands for answers and formulas that promise ‘success’ in every way and am praying II Chronicles 20:12. ‘Lord, we do not know what to do, but our eyes are on you.’   Tearfully, gratefully watching, with extended family and friends, as Thunderbirds roared over hats thrown in the air, Joshua graduated from the Air Force Academy this spring. As he begins his military assignments all over the world, I realize a new layer of letting go. My children have come this far by faith. I have too. This prayer from Ken Gire has been instrumental in creating my peaceful place within. 

“My children are not the work of my hands. My hands are not the hands that hold them, not the hands that mold them, not the hands that work all things together in their lives for good. They are the work of God’s hands. I am merely a tool in those hands; a tool He has used is some way for a short time to shape them. So God give me the strength to open my hands, not knowing what all You want me to give, knowing only that it is to Your hands that I give it. Help me to love those hands more than whatever it is that I hold in mine.”
 
    
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