HOW TO ENCOURAGE A FRIEND IN GRIEF

As much as we would like to avoid unpleasantness in our lives, sometimes it is inescapable. Instead, we must learn how to grieve in healthy ways and work through our difficulties. If you are wondering what you can do to help a friend who is in intense mourning, here are some suggestions:

Recognize that everyone grieves at their own pace:
Some progress rather quickly, some move very slowly. We never move at the speed that others think we should. Help us take one day at a time.

Keep us company and be there for us:
You don't need to say anything profound or do anything earthshaking. Often, your greatest help is your quiet presence and simplest deeds.

Make suggestions and initiate contact and activities:
It is important for you to respect our privacy and give us some time alone, but we also may not have the energy to structure our lives right after a traumatic loss. We may have to rely on others to think of things that we don't know to ask for. Provide a safe environment for us to show strong emotions: It may be very painful, but it can be of enormous help.

Help us remember good things:
Tell us your memories of our loved one as you listen to us tell you ours. If we begin to show our emotions outwardly, you have not upset us, you have simply enabled us to be a bit more open in your presence.

Be there after the first wave is over:
Make the effort to call, to come by, to help us out six months and even a year down the road. Crowds may be difficult for us. Shopping and holidays will be overwhelming. Offer your help. If we're not up to a visit we'll let you know, but let us know you remember and are there for us.

Listen to us:
We need to tell our story over and over in order to process our grief. We may even say outrageous things. Don't judge us by what we say or how we feel. We have a lot to work through, and in time we will come to the answers that are right for us.

Be careful of clichés, religious platitudes, or easy answers:
You may not be able to help us with certain issues right now, so don't be too quick to share your opinions if we say something you don't agree with. We need time to work things out on our own.  

Be sensitive to our needs:
Be patient, have confidence and believe in us. We will get better, we will experience
healing; but it will take some time, and it can be rough going for much of the way.

Be on the lookout for destructive behaviors:
Traumatic loss can lead some people into depression, alcohol or drug abuse. We may need you to keep an eye on us while things are especially tough.

Be willing to do difficult things with us:
We may need someone to sit with us in court; we may need a safe place to rage; we may need help with the funeral or afterwards. There may be some hard times ahead and facing them alone can be terrifying.

Help us find ways to bring good things out of the bad:
It is important that our loved one be remembered and memorialized. Read some of the books that are available. The more you know, the better able you will be to help us.
Often, a poem or song will speak to us in ways that no one else can. Also, talking to someone who has survived a similar loss can help us to realize that we are not alone in our grief.

We have to go through this valley in order to get to the other side:
Dealing with grief cannot be avoided or postponed. Grief can make relationships difficult and you may get frustrated with us or feel uneasy around us. But please remember that now, more than ever, we need the caring and patient support of our friends and family. Help us get through this as well as we are able. Your true friendship and companionship, your kindness and patience can help us get our lives back together.

We will experience some level of grief over our loved one's loss for the rest of our lives. Some days will simply be better than others. One day, we hope to reach a point where our good days outnumber the bad. That will be a major milestone for us.

Thank you for being here for us.

From What To Do When the Police Leave: A Guide to the First Days of Traumatic Loss (3rd Edition), by Bill Jenkins, WBJ Press, Richmond, VA, 20001 www.willsworld.com

BEREAVEMENT ONE-ON-ONE

At the time death occurs:
Offer to go with the bereaved person or family to the funeral home to make arrangements.
Be available in the bereaved home the first day or two. Answering the phone and attending to any errands can free up the family to attend to other matters.
Check for the often used staples such as bread, milk, etc and offer to bring in any needed items.
Catalogue food, flowers, and other gifts as they arrive on paper. This list will prove helpful to the family when they need to acknowledge the kindnesses of their friends.
Tape your phone number to the phone. This will enable the family to have ready access to your number should they need to call.
Offer to bring a light lunch or breakfast for the family prior to the memorial service.
Have someone stay in the home during the visitation and memorial service.
See that anyone who needs transportation to and from the airport is accommodated.
Arrange for housing or child care if necessary.
Straighten up the house, do laundry, and run any necessary errands.
When sending a sympathy card, a short message of what you appreciated about the person who died can be very heart-warming for the bereaved family.

After the funeral:
Call or stop by the day after the service, especially if the survivor is alone. Offer to return dishes, run errands, etc.
Call often; for the widowed, evenings and weekends are the worst times.
Bring dinner in and stay to eat and visit once in a while.
Be sensitive to the weekly and monthly anniversaries of the death, as well as birthdays and other special days.
Be willing to listen to the bereaved. Shared tears can be wonderfully healing.
Avoid the use of clichés.
Encourage talking about the one who has died.
Do not encourage disposing of the deceased's belongings until the survivors are ready, which may be many weeks or months.
Offer to accompany the bereaved person to the store or church the first few times.
While some try to keep very busy, activity can be a way to block dealing with the feelings. Help the person find a middle ground when possible.
Be prepared for the bereaved not to be able to get out to lunch and expect that they may turn down social invitations for a while.
Offer to make a cemetery visit with the bereaved.
Ask what ways you can be supportive during the holidays and other special days.
Grief does not end; it softens and changes. Most bereaved people need long-term support in terms of months and years. Your presence and nonjudgmental listening can be a true gift to the bereaved person.

HOW TO BE OF COMFORT

Don't desert. After the initial contact with the patient, there is a tendency to leave the bereaved alone and forsaken. If this has been true for you, question yourself as to why you did that? Was it out of concern that you might further distress those who have suffered loss? In other words, were you afraid that you might trigger another round of tears which can look like you are bringing more pain on them then they already have?

Be a pathway. Look at your presence as a pathway to healing. And healing often comes through pain. The rule of thumb is the quicker and more intensely a person grieves, the sooner they heal. This rule does not negate a person’s will or choice. It just reminds caregivers that being with a griever and giving them permission to feel and express their grief, is what we’re all about.

Don't try to fix the pain. Bereavement is painful. There must be pain before there can be healing. The most difficult thing to learn about comforting is to permit the bereaved to live their own pain. It is one thing to sorrow with a person but quite another thing to interfere with their pain. We are not doing anyone a service by trying to take their pain from them.

Listen with your heart. Grieving is a matter of the heart rather than the head. Listening to the feelings of the bereaved is most important, permitting the sorrow to surface and the pain to be openly expressed. Invite all feelings to surface and listen through the silences. Your being there is more important than knowing what to say.

Accept all expressions of grief without censoring. Often there are aggressive feelings expressed, including anger, resentment, guilt and shame. Sometimes the bereaved feel cheated by God. Let them be angry. God understands grief. The only time to intervene is if the anger is expressed in a way that may physically hurt someone. The way to healing ones anger is through first acknowledging and processing it. Then is when a person is more likely to begin abandoning it.

Permit the bereaved opportunity to talk. This is a vital part of the healing process. Enforced silence in this regard can be very detrimental and prevent recovery. Gently ask the bereaved if they would like to talk about their loved one.

Be sincere. Do not make a pretense at being interested in the bereaved if you are not. Pretense really can hurt. Think how you want to be treated and always seek to be kind.